For several years I taught Mindful Performance to rooms full of federal law enforcement: how to strength-train the brain for greater focus and edge, tuning into the body to work with stress under intense situations, embracing the tough times as part of a growth mindset. Lots of nodding, affirmative murmurs. We were vibing. And then we’d hit the module on self-compassion. Suddenly nodding heads became swivels looking for the nearest exit, followed by eyes cast downward when they realized they were stuck in the room. Arms crossed, stern looks. I had offended my class with the S-word.
Why so offensive? Because it’s self-indulgent, they said. Makes you weak and wimpy. Excuses behavior that’s not okay. You’ve got to be tough on yourself to keep the edge and stay motivated. Ah – the voice of the Inner Critical Coach.
But self-compassion is more than cocooning on the couch when things get tough. Sure, there’s an aspect of that – self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff coined it the “yin” of self-compassion: the soothing, nurturing support you need in the moment, maybe a couch and a bag of chips while you heal the hurt or work through failure. But there’s a “yang” aspect my students didn’t know about – the tough love. Owning our failures, holding ourselves accountable, learning from our mistakes. There’s opportunity for kindness there too. The Inner Compassionate Coach.
Here’s the thing: your Inner Critical Coach is trying to protect you, just perhaps more harshly than it needs to – sometimes having the undesired effect of reinforcing a fear of failure, and with it a fear of taking risks. Your Inner Compassionate Coach isn’t there to let you slide. Quite the contrary. It gives you the peptalk you want to hear – kinder, more motivating, more compelling – and that reduces the fear of failure, because the growth from failure is what makes you stronger.
So if showing yourself compassion instead of criticism encourages you to take more risks -failure or not – how can it be a weakness? And, by the way, self-compassion is considered one of the more advanced practices because it can be so difficult to be kind to ourselves. And just like that, the nodding heads returned. Vibing once again.
Yvette “Evie” Trapani is a certified Mindful Performance Enhancement, Awareness & Knowledge (mPEAK) coach and founder/owner of Mindful Evie. Her offerings include science-backed mindfulness 1:1 coaching, workshops, and retreats. The UCSD mPEAK course is designed to increase and improve performance and achieve goals – personal and professional. 1:1 mindful performance coaching and workshops are designed to empower people to let go of the “noise”, manage stress, and rediscover joy in the everyday.
She is passionate about the transformational power of mindfulness, fostering community, and simply enjoying everyday life. In addition to the mPEAK Certification, she holds a certificate in Equine Facilitated Learning, and Organizational Mindful Facilitation.
